Collaborative Blog: Roberta
Recently I realized how much fear plays a big part in my life. Whether is on my daily routine, planning for the future, or reminiscent on the past, there it is…fear shows up in all kinds of ways.
At first, I could pin point fear on how much I feared missing my family. It has been about 13 years that I have been living in Houston, very far away from my whole family back in Brazil. Sometimes, when my dad forgets the 4hr time difference, he calls very early in the morning and my first thought is ”something bad happened”. It takes me a few moments between waking up and having a stomachache to realize that he just wanted to say hi. It is a constant feeling directly connected to those I love or to things that matter the most to me. The thing is, I am a dancer. I am used to constantly battling the fear of not being good enough. A lie that I am also constantly giving up.
What I am very present to right now is how the practice of yoga has made me aware of all the stages of my fears and the impact they all have in my life. There is the “petrified stage” where my anxiety and anticipation of all the bad things that could happen just stops me. Completely. I don’t call home as much, don’t talk to my parents much. I don’t go to that audition or don’t do something I really want to do. I just don’t. There is the “I know I am fearful and I am so mad about it”. In this one I get really angry. Angry at myself, angry that I am far away from my family, angry at my career, angry at my body, just angry. That is some times that I am not as aware of all of these stages and there are times that I am.
Awareness, in my recent findings through the practices of Baptiste Yoga, brings stuff up that are not so pleasant to face. The impact of letting fear rule my life has been painful and difficult to learn about. I experienced losing my light, living as someone I wanted to be or I thought people wanted me to be. I realized that I was in a constant war with myself, self-deprecation, self-doubt and my lie of not being good enough were my best friends. Well, or so I thought they were friends…Awareness also brought me choice, the choice to work through it. Do you know that saying “The only way out is through”? That couldn’t be truer for me. I made the choice to work through it, to do the work. I chose to go to Baptiste programs, I chose to share and be honest about how I felt. I chose to acknowledge my fears, their stages, and the impact they were causing me, in my life. And that is where I am at today. I am talking about my fears and taking steps to create possibility in my life. I am calling my parents more. I am taking a huge leap in my career starting my own project, something I always vowed to never, ever, do. I am enjoying my time with my dog even though sometimes I look at her, and I love her so much, that she just needs to magically become immortal.
I thank you so much for reading and for giving me the space to share with you my fears. I fear that I made lots of grammatical mistakes. And that you will hate this. And then I smile and remember that this is me working through it.
Roberta Paixao Cortes is a 200RYT and a certified Baptiste Yoga teacher. She is a contemporary dancer, dog lover and an ambassador for Africa Yoga Project